Meet the Staff: Dr. Biscuit Newton

Dr. Biscuit Newton joined the Purrfect Drop Test Laboratory eleven years ago, after a brief career as a loaf. Today she heads the Department of Descent and supervises all pushes above knee height.

Early life

Dr. Newton grew up in a household with seventeen shelves, a coffee table and a very trusting grandmother. She recalls her first push at six weeks, a thimble. “It fell,” she says. “I did not see it land, but I heard it. That was when I knew I was a scientist.”

Her work

Her best known paper, “On the Inevitability of the Pen”, showed that any pen placed on a flat surface will, given patience, find the floor. She is also credited with the Biscuit Constant, the average number of seconds a human takes to say “no, no, no” before an object arrives at the ground. The constant stands at 1.4 and has not changed in a decade, which she says shows how little humans learn.

Working style

Colleagues describe Dr. Newton as methodical, quiet and prone to staring at a candle for an hour. Her notebook consists of a single paw print on a window. She dislikes meetings, loud noises and being asked to explain.

Awards

• The Golden Whisker for Contribution to Edge Studies
• The Hallway Medal for Excellence in Silent Observation
• Two commendations for the neatest pile of broken crockery

Hobbies

When not in the lab, Dr. Newton enjoys sunbathing, supervising kettles and sitting on important paperwork. She says she is content.

“A good scientist does not rush. She waits until the moment is right, and then she does it anyway.” Dr. Biscuit Newton

Advice for young researchers

When asked what she would say to a young cat entering the field, Dr. Newton paused for some time, and then looked out of the window for longer. “Find an edge,” she said eventually. “Find another. Do not tell anyone which one you prefer.” She added that new researchers should keep their claws short, their notes private and their nap schedules regular.

A day in her life

Dr. Newton rises at dawn, takes a thorough survey of the kitchen counter, and files a brief report with the nearest human. She spends the late morning on the windowsill reviewing literature, which for her consists of birds. After a light lunch she conducts a short seminar on the stairs. By evening she has usually pushed something, and the day ends with a quiet purr.