Open Letter to Whoever Keeps Moving the Mugs Back

To whoever keeps moving the mugs back to the middle of the table,

We write with respect but also with concern. Every morning we position a mug at the edge in the interest of scientific progress. Every afternoon, we find it in the centre, as though nothing had happened.

This must stop. Not for our sake, but for the mug’s. A mug that is never allowed to fall will never know what it can be.

We have prepared a short list of reasonable requests:

• Please leave mugs where they are placed
• Please do not say “there you go” while moving them
• Please stop buying coasters, which are insulting

We remain hopeful. We remain at the edge of the table. We remain, as ever, watching.

Yours sincerely,

The Purrfect Drop Test Laboratory

Our position on coasters

We wish to make it clear that coasters are not a solution. They are a gesture, and a rather nervous one. A mug on a coaster is a mug that has been told it is safe, which is a cruel thing to tell a mug.

What we offer in return

In exchange for the cooperation of the household, the laboratory would be glad to offer a series of benefits. We will sit very quietly during video calls. We will refrain from walking across the keyboard on Mondays. We will occasionally present a small gift of a feather, a sock or the corner of a tea towel. These are of equal value, in our view, to a mug that has remained whole.

We trust this letter will receive your consideration, and if not, your attention, in the form of a loud clatter at 4 AM.

P.S. The mug in the kitchen cabinet, the blue one with the chip, has been asked to remain where it is. It knows why.