The Purrfect Drop Test Laboratory is delighted to announce that it has received a grant of seven tins of tuna and a good cushion to fund a major research project: the lifelong study of one ballpoint pen.
About the project
The pen, a blue ballpoint of unremarkable origin, will be placed on a desk each morning and observed. Researchers will log every instance of it rolling, falling or disappearing under a radiator. The study will run for five years or until the pen runs out, whichever comes first.
Why a pen?
Pens are the perfect research subject. They are cylindrical, lightweight and attractive. They roll in ways that defy easy prediction. They also make a satisfying clatter on tile, a sound the laboratory refers to as “data”.
Quote from the Director
“This grant will allow us to take a long, slow look at the one thing that ordinary science has ignored,” said Professor Mittens Von Thud. “Also, I like the pen.”
Next steps
Recruitment of a Pen Liaison Officer will begin shortly. Applicants should be able to sit still, ignore cameras and recognise a pen at a distance of three metres. The role comes with a small desk and a window.
Budget breakdown
The grant will be divided as follows. Three tins of tuna will cover equipment, including a magnifying glass and a small ruler. Two tins will go to staffing, and the remaining two will be held in reserve for emergencies, which in this case means lunch. The cushion will be used for the Pen Liaison Officer, who will need somewhere to think.
Expected outcomes
The study aims to answer several fundamental questions. How far can a pen roll before it loses interest? Does it prefer the left side of the desk or the right? Does it disappear on purpose? The laboratory expects to publish its findings in five years, assuming the pen has not been taken by a nearby human, which the laboratory considers unlikely but plausible.
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