Purrfect Drop Test Laboratory

Category: Lab Notices

  • Open Letter to Whoever Keeps Moving the Mugs Back

    Open Letter to Whoever Keeps Moving the Mugs Back

    To whoever keeps moving the mugs back to the middle of the table,

    We write with respect but also with concern. Every morning we position a mug at the edge in the interest of scientific progress. Every afternoon, we find it in the centre, as though nothing had happened.

    This must stop. Not for our sake, but for the mug’s. A mug that is never allowed to fall will never know what it can be.

    We have prepared a short list of reasonable requests:

    • Please leave mugs where they are placed
    • Please do not say “there you go” while moving them
    • Please stop buying coasters, which are insulting

    We remain hopeful. We remain at the edge of the table. We remain, as ever, watching.

    Yours sincerely,

    The Purrfect Drop Test Laboratory

    Our position on coasters

    We wish to make it clear that coasters are not a solution. They are a gesture, and a rather nervous one. A mug on a coaster is a mug that has been told it is safe, which is a cruel thing to tell a mug.

    What we offer in return

    In exchange for the cooperation of the household, the laboratory would be glad to offer a series of benefits. We will sit very quietly during video calls. We will refrain from walking across the keyboard on Mondays. We will occasionally present a small gift of a feather, a sock or the corner of a tea towel. These are of equal value, in our view, to a mug that has remained whole.

    We trust this letter will receive your consideration, and if not, your attention, in the form of a loud clatter at 4 AM.

    P.S. The mug in the kitchen cabinet, the blue one with the chip, has been asked to remain where it is. It knows why.

  • FAQ: Why Did You Knock My Glass of Water Over?

    FAQ: Why Did You Knock My Glass of Water Over?

    We receive many letters about glasses of water. This FAQ addresses the most common questions with patience, though little remorse.

    Why did you do it?

    The glass was at the edge. The laboratory cannot be held responsible for what happens to an object at an edge. It is a matter of physics, and also, mood.

    Was it necessary?

    All data is necessary. The glass is now part of a trial on liquid dispersal across carpets, and your carpet has been named as a co author.

    Could you have asked?

    Our researchers do not ask. Asking introduces bias and, more importantly, a chance of being told no.

    Will it happen again?

    Yes. In fact, if you have refilled the glass, it has already happened again.

    How can I prevent this?

    The laboratory recommends keeping glasses in the cupboard, or in a different postcode. Alternatively, you can offer a more interesting object, such as a cardboard box, though experience shows this is rarely accepted.

    Do you offer compensation?

    We offer a long, sincere blink, and a quiet purr at 2 AM. Many members of the public find this sufficient.

    What if I feel I have been wronged?

    Members of the public who feel that a glass has been unfairly tested may file a complaint using Form 7B. The form is a blank sheet of paper and may be submitted in person, in writing or by shouting. Complaints are reviewed on the first Thursday of every month, a day on which nobody is available.

    Is the laboratory insured?

    The laboratory carries limited coverage against falls, spills and loud sounds, but not against surprise. Surprise, in our view, is simply the outcome of a well designed experiment.

    Can I join the research team?

    Applicants must have four paws, a flexible schedule and no strong feelings about glass. Humans are welcome to assist in a supporting role, such as holding a camera or standing nearby and gasping.

  • Press Release: Lab Awarded Grant for Studying a Single Pen

    Press Release: Lab Awarded Grant for Studying a Single Pen

    The Purrfect Drop Test Laboratory is delighted to announce that it has received a grant of seven tins of tuna and a good cushion to fund a major research project: the lifelong study of one ballpoint pen.

    About the project

    The pen, a blue ballpoint of unremarkable origin, will be placed on a desk each morning and observed. Researchers will log every instance of it rolling, falling or disappearing under a radiator. The study will run for five years or until the pen runs out, whichever comes first.

    Why a pen?

    Pens are the perfect research subject. They are cylindrical, lightweight and attractive. They roll in ways that defy easy prediction. They also make a satisfying clatter on tile, a sound the laboratory refers to as “data”.

    Quote from the Director

    “This grant will allow us to take a long, slow look at the one thing that ordinary science has ignored,” said Professor Mittens Von Thud. “Also, I like the pen.”

    Next steps

    Recruitment of a Pen Liaison Officer will begin shortly. Applicants should be able to sit still, ignore cameras and recognise a pen at a distance of three metres. The role comes with a small desk and a window.

    Budget breakdown

    The grant will be divided as follows. Three tins of tuna will cover equipment, including a magnifying glass and a small ruler. Two tins will go to staffing, and the remaining two will be held in reserve for emergencies, which in this case means lunch. The cushion will be used for the Pen Liaison Officer, who will need somewhere to think.

    Expected outcomes

    The study aims to answer several fundamental questions. How far can a pen roll before it loses interest? Does it prefer the left side of the desk or the right? Does it disappear on purpose? The laboratory expects to publish its findings in five years, assuming the pen has not been taken by a nearby human, which the laboratory considers unlikely but plausible.

  • Notice: Ethics Committee Meeting Moved to the Sofa

    Notice: Ethics Committee Meeting Moved to the Sofa

    The Ethics Committee of the Purrfect Drop Test Laboratory has relocated its monthly meeting from the Conference Room to the sofa. This follows a unanimous vote, taken while three of the five members were asleep.

    Agenda

    • Approval of last month’s minutes, which are mostly fur
    • Review of the vase incident
    • Discussion of whether a fish tank counts as a table
    • Any other business, including snacks

    Reasons for the move

    The Conference Room has no cushions and a fairly inflexible chair. The sofa has both warmth and a view of the window. The Chair, Lady Marmalade Quill, said the new location “enhances the quality of ethical thinking by approximately a nap”.

    A reminder on conduct

    Members must not push the minute book, the agenda or each other. Members must declare any conflict of interest, such as owning the object being tested. The committee also reminds researchers that ethical approval is not required for pushes performed on days that end in “y”.

    Minutes will be circulated after the meeting, provided they survive it.

    Attendance

    All members have confirmed attendance, with two exceptions. Sir Gravy has sent his apologies from beneath a blanket. Pebble the junior researcher is stuck inside a paper bag and will participate by rustling.

    Policy on fish tanks

    The question of whether a fish tank counts as a table has been before the committee since March. Arguments for include its flat top, its proximity to the edge and the interest of the fish. Arguments against include the fish. The committee expects to adjourn the question until a majority wakes up.

    Refreshments

    Light refreshments will be provided in the form of a bowl of kibble and a saucer of milk. Members are reminded that the saucer is for drinking, not for testing. Any member found testing the saucer will be asked to explain themselves in a calm and quiet voice, and then to leave.

  • Meet the Staff: Dr. Biscuit Newton

    Meet the Staff: Dr. Biscuit Newton

    Dr. Biscuit Newton joined the Purrfect Drop Test Laboratory eleven years ago, after a brief career as a loaf. Today she heads the Department of Descent and supervises all pushes above knee height.

    Early life

    Dr. Newton grew up in a household with seventeen shelves, a coffee table and a very trusting grandmother. She recalls her first push at six weeks, a thimble. “It fell,” she says. “I did not see it land, but I heard it. That was when I knew I was a scientist.”

    Her work

    Her best known paper, “On the Inevitability of the Pen”, showed that any pen placed on a flat surface will, given patience, find the floor. She is also credited with the Biscuit Constant, the average number of seconds a human takes to say “no, no, no” before an object arrives at the ground. The constant stands at 1.4 and has not changed in a decade, which she says shows how little humans learn.

    Working style

    Colleagues describe Dr. Newton as methodical, quiet and prone to staring at a candle for an hour. Her notebook consists of a single paw print on a window. She dislikes meetings, loud noises and being asked to explain.

    Awards

    • The Golden Whisker for Contribution to Edge Studies
    • The Hallway Medal for Excellence in Silent Observation
    • Two commendations for the neatest pile of broken crockery

    Hobbies

    When not in the lab, Dr. Newton enjoys sunbathing, supervising kettles and sitting on important paperwork. She says she is content.

    “A good scientist does not rush. She waits until the moment is right, and then she does it anyway.” Dr. Biscuit Newton

    Advice for young researchers

    When asked what she would say to a young cat entering the field, Dr. Newton paused for some time, and then looked out of the window for longer. “Find an edge,” she said eventually. “Find another. Do not tell anyone which one you prefer.” She added that new researchers should keep their claws short, their notes private and their nap schedules regular.

    A day in her life

    Dr. Newton rises at dawn, takes a thorough survey of the kitchen counter, and files a brief report with the nearest human. She spends the late morning on the windowsill reviewing literature, which for her consists of birds. After a light lunch she conducts a short seminar on the stairs. By evening she has usually pushed something, and the day ends with a quiet purr.

  • Annual Report: Four Thousand Objects, All Fell

    Annual Report: Four Thousand Objects, All Fell

    The Purrfect Drop Test Laboratory is pleased to present its annual report. It was a year of rigour, patience and, above all, edges. Our Director, Professor Mittens Von Thud, asked that this report open with a single sentence of reflection: “Things fall.” The Board has approved the sentence and has declined to approve a second one.

    The headline figures

    Over twelve months the laboratory conducted 4,112 formal drop trials. Of these, 4,112 resulted in the object falling. Our statistics team, which is one cat sitting on the printout, describes this as a result of unusual consistency. We note that no other laboratory in the field has matched our success rate, mostly because no other laboratory in the field exists.

    • Mugs tested: 1,204, of which 1,204 reached the floor
    • Pens tested: 1,788, of which 1,788 rolled first, then fell
    • Remote controls tested: 311, of which 311 lost their batteries on impact
    • Houseplants tested: 41, results sealed pending a conversation with the householder
    • Glasses of water tested: 768, with a notable secondary finding about carpets

    Notable discoveries

    Dr. Biscuit Newton, our Head of Descent, confirmed that an object placed at the very edge of a table is in a state we now call “pre fallen”. This is a significant refinement of earlier theory, which held that such objects were simply sitting there. Dr. Newton also demonstrated that the time taken for an object to fall is unaffected by how long the cat looked at it beforehand, although the cat will tell you otherwise.

    A second finding concerns eye contact. In 600 trials, the tester maintained unbroken eye contact with a human witness while pushing the object with one paw, slowly. Fall rates remained at 100 percent, but witness distress rose sharply. The laboratory has classified this as a “secondary outcome” and has not seen fit to stop.

    Facilities

    The year saw the opening of the Long Shelf Wing, which extends our testing surface by four metres and doubles our access to the hallway. The wing was named after the late Long Shelf, a shelf. Our new sound dampening floor tiles were installed in response to complaints from the downstairs neighbours, and then removed after it was pointed out that sound is a primary measurement.

    Staffing

    We welcomed three junior researchers, all under one year old and all in the process of learning to read a ruler by sitting on it. Our retiring Chief Observer, Sir Gravy of Hallway, completed 14 years of service and two thousand naps. His final act was to push a pair of reading glasses from a nightstand. The glasses are now on permanent display, in pieces, in the foyer.

    Funding and thanks

    The laboratory is funded by donations, treats and the occasional grant from a body that has never visited. We thank our patrons, whose cooperation, however involuntary, made this year possible. We wish to single out the householder at number 14 for generously leaving a full cup of tea within reach on 212 separate occasions.

    Looking ahead

    Next year we intend to test softer surfaces, higher shelves and one particularly ambitious vase. A proposal to test whether objects fall upward in the dark has been referred to the Ethics Committee, who have referred it to a sunny windowsill, where it is currently being reviewed.

    “We did not set out to prove gravity. Gravity simply kept turning up, and we were there with a notepad.” Professor Mittens Von Thud, Director

    The full dataset is available to members on request, and to non members on the floor, near the table.

    A note on methodology

    Several readers have asked how the laboratory counts a fall. A fall is recorded when an object leaves its original surface and meets a lower one, with an audible result. Objects that are merely nudged, dragged or sat upon are logged separately as “negotiations”. We logged 212 negotiations this year, and the cat concerned has been asked to stop negotiating with the toaster.

    Financial summary

    Income for the year consisted of 61 tins of tuna, 14 sunbeams and a cash donation of nine coins found behind the sofa. Expenditure was dominated by the cost of replacing the foyer carpet, the hallway runner and one extremely disappointed lamp. The Board notes that the laboratory ended the year in a position it describes as “mostly floor”.