We receive many letters about glasses of water. This FAQ addresses the most common questions with patience, though little remorse.
Why did you do it?
The glass was at the edge. The laboratory cannot be held responsible for what happens to an object at an edge. It is a matter of physics, and also, mood.
Was it necessary?
All data is necessary. The glass is now part of a trial on liquid dispersal across carpets, and your carpet has been named as a co author.
Could you have asked?
Our researchers do not ask. Asking introduces bias and, more importantly, a chance of being told no.
Will it happen again?
Yes. In fact, if you have refilled the glass, it has already happened again.
How can I prevent this?
The laboratory recommends keeping glasses in the cupboard, or in a different postcode. Alternatively, you can offer a more interesting object, such as a cardboard box, though experience shows this is rarely accepted.
Do you offer compensation?
We offer a long, sincere blink, and a quiet purr at 2 AM. Many members of the public find this sufficient.
What if I feel I have been wronged?
Members of the public who feel that a glass has been unfairly tested may file a complaint using Form 7B. The form is a blank sheet of paper and may be submitted in person, in writing or by shouting. Complaints are reviewed on the first Thursday of every month, a day on which nobody is available.
Is the laboratory insured?
The laboratory carries limited coverage against falls, spills and loud sounds, but not against surprise. Surprise, in our view, is simply the outcome of a well designed experiment.
Can I join the research team?
Applicants must have four paws, a flexible schedule and no strong feelings about glass. Humans are welcome to assist in a supporting role, such as holding a camera or standing nearby and gasping.
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