Purrfect Drop Test Laboratory

Tag: mugs

  • Open Letter to Whoever Keeps Moving the Mugs Back

    Open Letter to Whoever Keeps Moving the Mugs Back

    To whoever keeps moving the mugs back to the middle of the table,

    We write with respect but also with concern. Every morning we position a mug at the edge in the interest of scientific progress. Every afternoon, we find it in the centre, as though nothing had happened.

    This must stop. Not for our sake, but for the mug’s. A mug that is never allowed to fall will never know what it can be.

    We have prepared a short list of reasonable requests:

    • Please leave mugs where they are placed
    • Please do not say “there you go” while moving them
    • Please stop buying coasters, which are insulting

    We remain hopeful. We remain at the edge of the table. We remain, as ever, watching.

    Yours sincerely,

    The Purrfect Drop Test Laboratory

    Our position on coasters

    We wish to make it clear that coasters are not a solution. They are a gesture, and a rather nervous one. A mug on a coaster is a mug that has been told it is safe, which is a cruel thing to tell a mug.

    What we offer in return

    In exchange for the cooperation of the household, the laboratory would be glad to offer a series of benefits. We will sit very quietly during video calls. We will refrain from walking across the keyboard on Mondays. We will occasionally present a small gift of a feather, a sock or the corner of a tea towel. These are of equal value, in our view, to a mug that has remained whole.

    We trust this letter will receive your consideration, and if not, your attention, in the form of a loud clatter at 4 AM.

    P.S. The mug in the kitchen cabinet, the blue one with the chip, has been asked to remain where it is. It knows why.

  • FAQ: Why Did You Knock My Glass of Water Over?

    FAQ: Why Did You Knock My Glass of Water Over?

    We receive many letters about glasses of water. This FAQ addresses the most common questions with patience, though little remorse.

    Why did you do it?

    The glass was at the edge. The laboratory cannot be held responsible for what happens to an object at an edge. It is a matter of physics, and also, mood.

    Was it necessary?

    All data is necessary. The glass is now part of a trial on liquid dispersal across carpets, and your carpet has been named as a co author.

    Could you have asked?

    Our researchers do not ask. Asking introduces bias and, more importantly, a chance of being told no.

    Will it happen again?

    Yes. In fact, if you have refilled the glass, it has already happened again.

    How can I prevent this?

    The laboratory recommends keeping glasses in the cupboard, or in a different postcode. Alternatively, you can offer a more interesting object, such as a cardboard box, though experience shows this is rarely accepted.

    Do you offer compensation?

    We offer a long, sincere blink, and a quiet purr at 2 AM. Many members of the public find this sufficient.

    What if I feel I have been wronged?

    Members of the public who feel that a glass has been unfairly tested may file a complaint using Form 7B. The form is a blank sheet of paper and may be submitted in person, in writing or by shouting. Complaints are reviewed on the first Thursday of every month, a day on which nobody is available.

    Is the laboratory insured?

    The laboratory carries limited coverage against falls, spills and loud sounds, but not against surprise. Surprise, in our view, is simply the outcome of a well designed experiment.

    Can I join the research team?

    Applicants must have four paws, a flexible schedule and no strong feelings about glass. Humans are welcome to assist in a supporting role, such as holding a camera or standing nearby and gasping.

  • Equipment Review: The Wobbly Side Table Mark IV

    Equipment Review: The Wobbly Side Table Mark IV

    Every laboratory needs a reliable surface. Ours is the Wobbly Side Table Mark IV, a three legged oak veneer unit that has served the laboratory for nine years and has never once held anything still.

    Specifications

    • Height: knee
    • Surface area: roughly one dinner plate and a half
    • Stability rating: “optimistic”
    • Weight limit: one cup of tea, but not for long

    Performance

    The Mark IV excels at a number of tasks. Its slight tilt toward the north east corner ensures that round objects find the edge without any help. Its wobble, caused by a missing felt pad, adds a sense of drama to even the smallest push. Researchers describe the table as “cooperative”.

    Drawbacks

    The table is difficult to clean, since nothing stays on it long enough to be cleaned. It also tends to scare visitors, who tend to lean on it for balance and then lean on something else.

    Verdict

    Four paws out of five. We took one off because it once held a plant for six weeks, and we remain unsettled by that.

    Maintenance

    The Mark IV requires very little upkeep. Its screws loosen on a monthly basis, and its owner tightens them on an annual basis, which keeps the wobble at a scientifically useful level. The veneer has been scratched in several places by the researchers, each scratch recorded and named. The longest is called Gary.

    Comparison with other tables

    We have also tested the Dining Table Mark II, a large and stable unit that is of little use to science. Objects placed on it tend to stay there, and the researchers struggle to hold their focus. The Coffee Table Mark VI is better, but its low height diminishes the drama of a fall. The Mark IV remains, in our view, the benchmark for modern descent research.

    Recommended accessories

    • A small plate, for the plate’s own sake
    • A candle that has not been lit, for tension
    • A houseplant with unfortunate leaves
  • Standard Operating Procedure: The Slow Push

    Standard Operating Procedure: The Slow Push

    The Slow Push is the cornerstone technique of the Purrfect Drop Test Laboratory. It is deceptively simple, which is why it is so frequently performed badly. This standard operating procedure sets out each stage so that new researchers can reproduce our results without needing to hear us explain them first.

    Equipment required

    • One object of moderate value, preferably owned by someone else
    • One flat surface with at least one open edge
    • One paw, clean or otherwise
    • One human witness, within line of sight

    Step by step

    1. Approach the surface with a casual air. The object must not feel observed, which is difficult, because you are staring at it.

    2. Sit. A researcher who stands is rushing, and a rushed push is a sloppy push.

    3. Establish the witness. Make eye contact. This is not optional. Data collected without a witness is only a theory.

    4. Place one paw gently against the object. This is the contact phase. Do not push yet. Hold the pose for a minimum of four seconds.

    5. Begin the push at approximately one centimetre per second. The object will move. The witness will begin to speak. Continue.

    6. At the edge, pause. This pause is called the Moment of Suspense and is the most heavily cited part of the procedure.

    7. Complete the push. Record the fall. Record the sound. Record the witness.

    Common errors

    New researchers often rush step five, treating the push as a shove. A shove produces a result, but it does not produce a good result. Others abandon the procedure after step four to grab a snack. We understand this, and we respect the snack, but the experiment has to be finished.

    The most serious error is jumping to the floor to inspect the object before the witness has had a chance to react. This corrupts the sample and undermines the reputation of the laboratory.

    Safety notes

    Researchers must always check that the object is not alive, hot or the property of a person who handles complaints in writing. Where the object is a glass of water, the carpet should be considered a secondary subject and will be tested without further notice.

    After the procedure

    Walk away. Do not look back. The laboratory has found that researchers who return to look at the broken object are statistically more likely to be moved to another room. Your dignity is part of the dataset.

    “I have performed the Slow Push 9,000 times and I still hold my breath at the edge.” Dr. Biscuit Newton, Head of Descent

    Variations of the technique

    Experienced researchers may adapt the Slow Push to suit the object. For round objects such as oranges, a Gentle Roll is preferred: a single flick of the paw, followed by a respectful pause. For flat objects such as coasters, the Drag and Drop applies: pull the object toward the edge, let it hang, then let go. For tall objects such as vases, no variation is recommended, since tall objects tend to fall without permission and the laboratory does not wish to be rushed.

    Timing and the time of day

    The laboratory recommends running the procedure between 2 AM and 5 AM, when human witnesses are at their most vulnerable and their reactions at their most expressive. A push performed at noon is perfectly valid, but the data tends to lack depth. The witness is usually awake, upright and holding a sandwich, and sandwiches have been known to distract researchers from the task.

    Recording your results

    Each trial should be logged in the laboratory notebook, which is a pile of paper on the lower shelf. Record the object, the surface, the witness’s last words and the sound the object made on landing. Where the sound resembles a short musical phrase, record the phrase as well. Dr. Newton has catalogued seven such phrases, and she describes the third as “unexpectedly tender”.

    Training and certification

    New researchers must complete forty supervised pushes before attempting one alone. A certificate is issued on completion. It is a small piece of cardboard with a paw print on it, and it has been described by graduates as the second most important piece of cardboard in their lives, after the box.