Purrfect Drop Test Laboratory

Tag: funding

  • Press Release: Lab Awarded Grant for Studying a Single Pen

    Press Release: Lab Awarded Grant for Studying a Single Pen

    The Purrfect Drop Test Laboratory is delighted to announce that it has received a grant of seven tins of tuna and a good cushion to fund a major research project: the lifelong study of one ballpoint pen.

    About the project

    The pen, a blue ballpoint of unremarkable origin, will be placed on a desk each morning and observed. Researchers will log every instance of it rolling, falling or disappearing under a radiator. The study will run for five years or until the pen runs out, whichever comes first.

    Why a pen?

    Pens are the perfect research subject. They are cylindrical, lightweight and attractive. They roll in ways that defy easy prediction. They also make a satisfying clatter on tile, a sound the laboratory refers to as “data”.

    Quote from the Director

    “This grant will allow us to take a long, slow look at the one thing that ordinary science has ignored,” said Professor Mittens Von Thud. “Also, I like the pen.”

    Next steps

    Recruitment of a Pen Liaison Officer will begin shortly. Applicants should be able to sit still, ignore cameras and recognise a pen at a distance of three metres. The role comes with a small desk and a window.

    Budget breakdown

    The grant will be divided as follows. Three tins of tuna will cover equipment, including a magnifying glass and a small ruler. Two tins will go to staffing, and the remaining two will be held in reserve for emergencies, which in this case means lunch. The cushion will be used for the Pen Liaison Officer, who will need somewhere to think.

    Expected outcomes

    The study aims to answer several fundamental questions. How far can a pen roll before it loses interest? Does it prefer the left side of the desk or the right? Does it disappear on purpose? The laboratory expects to publish its findings in five years, assuming the pen has not been taken by a nearby human, which the laboratory considers unlikely but plausible.

  • Annual Report: Four Thousand Objects, All Fell

    Annual Report: Four Thousand Objects, All Fell

    The Purrfect Drop Test Laboratory is pleased to present its annual report. It was a year of rigour, patience and, above all, edges. Our Director, Professor Mittens Von Thud, asked that this report open with a single sentence of reflection: “Things fall.” The Board has approved the sentence and has declined to approve a second one.

    The headline figures

    Over twelve months the laboratory conducted 4,112 formal drop trials. Of these, 4,112 resulted in the object falling. Our statistics team, which is one cat sitting on the printout, describes this as a result of unusual consistency. We note that no other laboratory in the field has matched our success rate, mostly because no other laboratory in the field exists.

    • Mugs tested: 1,204, of which 1,204 reached the floor
    • Pens tested: 1,788, of which 1,788 rolled first, then fell
    • Remote controls tested: 311, of which 311 lost their batteries on impact
    • Houseplants tested: 41, results sealed pending a conversation with the householder
    • Glasses of water tested: 768, with a notable secondary finding about carpets

    Notable discoveries

    Dr. Biscuit Newton, our Head of Descent, confirmed that an object placed at the very edge of a table is in a state we now call “pre fallen”. This is a significant refinement of earlier theory, which held that such objects were simply sitting there. Dr. Newton also demonstrated that the time taken for an object to fall is unaffected by how long the cat looked at it beforehand, although the cat will tell you otherwise.

    A second finding concerns eye contact. In 600 trials, the tester maintained unbroken eye contact with a human witness while pushing the object with one paw, slowly. Fall rates remained at 100 percent, but witness distress rose sharply. The laboratory has classified this as a “secondary outcome” and has not seen fit to stop.

    Facilities

    The year saw the opening of the Long Shelf Wing, which extends our testing surface by four metres and doubles our access to the hallway. The wing was named after the late Long Shelf, a shelf. Our new sound dampening floor tiles were installed in response to complaints from the downstairs neighbours, and then removed after it was pointed out that sound is a primary measurement.

    Staffing

    We welcomed three junior researchers, all under one year old and all in the process of learning to read a ruler by sitting on it. Our retiring Chief Observer, Sir Gravy of Hallway, completed 14 years of service and two thousand naps. His final act was to push a pair of reading glasses from a nightstand. The glasses are now on permanent display, in pieces, in the foyer.

    Funding and thanks

    The laboratory is funded by donations, treats and the occasional grant from a body that has never visited. We thank our patrons, whose cooperation, however involuntary, made this year possible. We wish to single out the householder at number 14 for generously leaving a full cup of tea within reach on 212 separate occasions.

    Looking ahead

    Next year we intend to test softer surfaces, higher shelves and one particularly ambitious vase. A proposal to test whether objects fall upward in the dark has been referred to the Ethics Committee, who have referred it to a sunny windowsill, where it is currently being reviewed.

    “We did not set out to prove gravity. Gravity simply kept turning up, and we were there with a notepad.” Professor Mittens Von Thud, Director

    The full dataset is available to members on request, and to non members on the floor, near the table.

    A note on methodology

    Several readers have asked how the laboratory counts a fall. A fall is recorded when an object leaves its original surface and meets a lower one, with an audible result. Objects that are merely nudged, dragged or sat upon are logged separately as “negotiations”. We logged 212 negotiations this year, and the cat concerned has been asked to stop negotiating with the toaster.

    Financial summary

    Income for the year consisted of 61 tins of tuna, 14 sunbeams and a cash donation of nine coins found behind the sofa. Expenditure was dominated by the cost of replacing the foyer carpet, the hallway runner and one extremely disappointed lamp. The Board notes that the laboratory ended the year in a position it describes as “mostly floor”.