The Purrfect Drop Test Laboratory is pleased to present its annual report. It was a year of rigour, patience and, above all, edges. Our Director, Professor Mittens Von Thud, asked that this report open with a single sentence of reflection: “Things fall.” The Board has approved the sentence and has declined to approve a second one.
The headline figures
Over twelve months the laboratory conducted 4,112 formal drop trials. Of these, 4,112 resulted in the object falling. Our statistics team, which is one cat sitting on the printout, describes this as a result of unusual consistency. We note that no other laboratory in the field has matched our success rate, mostly because no other laboratory in the field exists.
- Mugs tested: 1,204, of which 1,204 reached the floor
- Pens tested: 1,788, of which 1,788 rolled first, then fell
- Remote controls tested: 311, of which 311 lost their batteries on impact
- Houseplants tested: 41, results sealed pending a conversation with the householder
- Glasses of water tested: 768, with a notable secondary finding about carpets
Notable discoveries
Dr. Biscuit Newton, our Head of Descent, confirmed that an object placed at the very edge of a table is in a state we now call “pre fallen”. This is a significant refinement of earlier theory, which held that such objects were simply sitting there. Dr. Newton also demonstrated that the time taken for an object to fall is unaffected by how long the cat looked at it beforehand, although the cat will tell you otherwise.
A second finding concerns eye contact. In 600 trials, the tester maintained unbroken eye contact with a human witness while pushing the object with one paw, slowly. Fall rates remained at 100 percent, but witness distress rose sharply. The laboratory has classified this as a “secondary outcome” and has not seen fit to stop.
Facilities
The year saw the opening of the Long Shelf Wing, which extends our testing surface by four metres and doubles our access to the hallway. The wing was named after the late Long Shelf, a shelf. Our new sound dampening floor tiles were installed in response to complaints from the downstairs neighbours, and then removed after it was pointed out that sound is a primary measurement.
Staffing
We welcomed three junior researchers, all under one year old and all in the process of learning to read a ruler by sitting on it. Our retiring Chief Observer, Sir Gravy of Hallway, completed 14 years of service and two thousand naps. His final act was to push a pair of reading glasses from a nightstand. The glasses are now on permanent display, in pieces, in the foyer.
Funding and thanks
The laboratory is funded by donations, treats and the occasional grant from a body that has never visited. We thank our patrons, whose cooperation, however involuntary, made this year possible. We wish to single out the householder at number 14 for generously leaving a full cup of tea within reach on 212 separate occasions.
Looking ahead
Next year we intend to test softer surfaces, higher shelves and one particularly ambitious vase. A proposal to test whether objects fall upward in the dark has been referred to the Ethics Committee, who have referred it to a sunny windowsill, where it is currently being reviewed.
“We did not set out to prove gravity. Gravity simply kept turning up, and we were there with a notepad.” Professor Mittens Von Thud, Director
The full dataset is available to members on request, and to non members on the floor, near the table.
A note on methodology
Several readers have asked how the laboratory counts a fall. A fall is recorded when an object leaves its original surface and meets a lower one, with an audible result. Objects that are merely nudged, dragged or sat upon are logged separately as “negotiations”. We logged 212 negotiations this year, and the cat concerned has been asked to stop negotiating with the toaster.
Financial summary
Income for the year consisted of 61 tins of tuna, 14 sunbeams and a cash donation of nine coins found behind the sofa. Expenditure was dominated by the cost of replacing the foyer carpet, the hallway runner and one extremely disappointed lamp. The Board notes that the laboratory ended the year in a position it describes as “mostly floor”.
